Sunday, September 19, 2004


I want to write something today for my new blog. It is a glorious day today after the rains and winds from the hurricane have blown through town leaving the sky an intense bright blue and all the leaves shiny and clean.

Last night they talked about how “Nothing should disturb your peace.” A huge disturbance in a close relationship finds me scrambling to get my inner peace back together again. The hurricane has blown right through my heart. I am left picking up the pieces and looking for some new way to be. I have lost track of my center. I have given away my power again. Loved too much, or perhaps just not wisely enough.

What is my peace?
Something I need to nourish. It is that calm and centered feeling when I am most like a pool of deep cool water. When I am angry, upset and jealous it all disappears, gets fragmented, clouded.

Dances of Universal Peace - the Dancing really helps. Touching hearts and hands with others, twirling, floating on the beautiful rhythms and inspiring words. It brings me back to myself, and leaves me at peace with my fellow dancers. With them at least I feel calm and alive after the dancing.

Everything we desire from life is light (energy).
I definitely want energy from others, but I want it in certain ways and only from certain people. Perhaps I am not synthesizing enough energy on my own. I want too much from one other person when I am capable of soaking up that energy directly from God on my own.

Of course I don’t remember that when I am all caught up in the drama of unrequited love. That delusion leads me to believe that what I want must come from the object of my desire. But when that person goes away and I am left so terribly alone, then I start to synthesize it for myself.

Things that make me peaceful are:
Walking in nature
Singing peaceful songs
Dancing peaceful dances
Speaking kindly with others
Being by large bodies of water, the ocean, lakes and ponds
Writing and thinking things through

What makes you peaceful?


sungoddess said...

Hi Star,

Sun here and I hear you! Thanks for sharing your experience and reminding me of what I needed ro remember.

Many of the things that work for you work for me. Nature, beauty, spirit, peace.

What also works for me is realizing that there are reasons that other person cannot be present for me. The can be by choice, or by default and in my expereince, when someone cannot be present with Love (as opposed to choosing that b/c of other committments or just not feeling the same) it is becuase they have expereinced deep pain with love and so it is not safe, it is frightening...the vulnerability can be. There has been a wound.

I am only speaking for what I am looking at right now. So, what works for me in addition to nature and writing and going within to find that core of Love we are, is seeing whatever created that fear of love...healed, and when I do this, there is this indwelling of warmth and energy that wells up in me...becuase that love is coming from and right back at heal the part of me that had also expereinced that fear, and the wound that caused it...

...and I realize that these are very very deep times of healing and release and "coming home." We can only feel or be inspired to feel from someone else what finds a resonance within us, especialy if it comes with deep feeling. In effect, those in our lives represent a facet(s) of ourselves mirrored back to us.

So, I discoverd this by accident, as I was reflecting within. pondering the feeling you mention and also the Love that inspired me to risk, reach out...and this mirroring and the rapid return of the energy I was sending out reminded me also of how we truly ARE all One.

I have enjoyed perusing your pages as I have considered working professionally with you. You have created your space much in the way I envison creating my own...artistic, holistic, spiritual and professional, inspirational and informative, dreamy and practical and beautiful, and the common threads that connect it all is the Love and Creativity.

You Go girl!

Thanks for blazing the trail!

Susan P.

Diana said...

Dear Star--

Hi, sister Star! I feel a great connection with you, and more than a few parallels in thought, belief, and attitude. And I'm happy to have found this site -- and you! I am an ordained metaphysical minister, often operate as an empath, and most certainly do believe that our thoughts create our reality. But I am in a quandary on several counts and could use a sounding board.

I am new to North Carolina, having recently moved here from New Jersey. I've sort of been perusing the internet to find people in the general area who might be kindred souls and believe somewhat as I do. In putting the phrase "thought creates reality" into the Google search box, I came up with you. In this case, having found you, the "somewhat" in regard to your believing as I do is something of an understatement!

My new home is in the country, near Siler City, a smaller rural community in the (919) calling area. I see your phone number is in the same area, though I don't know all the community prefixes yet -- so perhaps we are not too far apart? A parallel--I came to North Carolina just as the winds from that same hurricane you wrote about were dying down. In fact, I left New Jersey for here on the same day you posted this message. My sense at the time was that the hurricane was sweeping things clean and fresh for me as I began this new adventure with the one my heart chose for me.

Here in my new home, community, and situation, besides my new partner, a man (who, of course, has the "yang" perspective), there is no one with whom I can meet, talk, discuss, or even share many things that are important to me. As much as I love my man and desire to reach ascendancy with him as a sort of Tao unit, there is still the comeraderie of sisterhood that one needs, especially when dealing with the many adjustments called for in forging a new relationship.

Now I wonder if that all that I've believed we could be together is just illusion. I have believed that he and I are a designated unit. But now I find that I am yo-yo'd incredibly in this relationship. And I've burned so many bridges behind me in total faith that this is THE ONE, after years and years of single life and seeking the higher road. This feels so strange, so NOT what I asked for. Not real, deep communion at all, only glimpses of it, and those often offered it seems begrudgingly. I've tried sharing these feelings with him, as kindly and gently as possible, but his response is that I am just messed up inside, and then he clams up and withdraws on me. And even accuses me of thoughts I've never had. Of being insanely jealous and of creating situations where are is none, even accusing me of deliberately trying to mess with him and his "private" life and friends, which I would never do. (Though it seems to me when a man asks you to come live with him, much of that privacy should evolve into a communal intimacy between the two people). This is not the man I left home and nearness to family to be with. And yet I still love him so very much and feel somehow that destiny means for us to be together.

I understand anyone's need for solitude, or for their own space, or for time alone. However, too much insistence on privacy then becomes secrecy, even sneakiness and dishonesty. He rails at me now when I want to know almost anything. Then after bouts of the accusations and statements of "deep concern" of how I'm not getting with his program, the next day, or several days later, he returns to the kind, nice, spiritual, romantic guy I thought I entered into this relationship with. But yet I am sure he would not understand and would smolder with quiet anger and withdraw from me yet again if he knew I were reaching out this way, even to another woman who is a stranger. Contrary to how he presented in the beginning, I'm beginning to feel he is all about harshness, punishment, and defiance. A total turnaround since I arrived in North Carolina.

I have a question for you, as intuition tells me that perhaps we have had some incredibly parallel experiences. You say in this message of 9/19 that recently you had to deal with some sort of upheaval in a very close relationship. Without naming names, of course, or sharing too many specifics, would you please share with me the nature of that upheaval? Sort of an outline of what happened and how you dealt with it in more detail? I feel some sort of connection with you in regard to that experience, and feel I may have very recently had a similar one--and I feel that connection on a very deep level. (I am somewhat of an empath and am very intuitive).

For instance, in my new relationship, I am feeling jealousy, sometimes anger and fear of abandonment over what sometimes appears to be my new partner's inability to leave behind his past days as a Lethario (albeit a spiritually leaning Lethario), and his inability to let go of past loves and to concentrate entirely on what we have together--especially as new as we are-- saying he feels he owes it to them meet with them, for dinner or lunch on a fairly regular basis to help them get over the hurt of losing him. These meetings, which have occured several times already in our short time together, and with more than one ex-lover, myself totally excluded from these meetings or from knowing these people who are now "just friends," and with a sort of veil of secrecy maintained around it, have impinged on our time together and upon our growth together as a couple, since this kills the openness and precludes the deep intimacy I once felt we shared. This is upheaval to me, as it is exactly the opposite of what I was promised or what I had reason to expect.

Did I create this? I asked the Universe for something quite different. What thoughts created this reality? I was so sure the Universe had at last honored and manifested my request for fidelity, for intimacy, and for spiritual kinship in a mate. And yet, in this sometimes intensely confusing situation, these feelings of jealousy and insecurity take hold of me in a big way. With all the confusing and inconsistent aspects of this new relationship, I have of late often been feeling sort of emotionally and spiritually hung out in space, without that sense of connection I almost always used to feel about everything and had expected to experience in spades in this new relationship.

These feelings are things that I thought I had uncovered and rooted out and dealt with long ago, since I am (ahem, a little pride here?) a metaphysical practitioner, writer, meditatator, and yadda yadda. I believe these feelings, these negative aspects of self that are totally NOT the real me me. I And yet some vestiges of those scars obviously still remain to trigger these insecurities in me.

I definitely feel you and I are in the same soul group! Care to share your thoughts? It seems I can really help other people see things more clearly when it does not involve my own personal life. But when it comes to myself and my own situation at this time, it seems nearly impossible to regain my former sense of clarity. For the first time in years, I am having great difficulty in centering.

(My private email is, if you'd rather write me there).

And Star, don't feel alone in sometimes not knowing how to center again and in trying to find some new way to be. I guess it happens to all of us. Right now my heart is breaking--Me, a healer! How does the physcician heal herself? I can dance, & I can sing, and that helps. I can enter a meditative state, though not as I could formerly. But the cycle keeps recurring. He keeps raising the bar as to what he expects from me and then evades telling me just exactly what the program is that he hopes I will "get with." Crazy making.